It’s no secret that Dancing with the Stars (DWTS) loads their pot each season with forgotten, irrelevant, despised, mediocre or just plain dull individuals, all in an attempt to boost their ratings and those of the celebs. Gazing into the wonderment of my crystal ball I proudly announce the slate of contestants for next year’s side show…oops, I mean television show. My bad.
Yes, DWTS viewing audience brace yourselves because you are going to be in for an entertaining song and dance 2012 season that…well…you haven’t seen since the GOP debates. I eagerly look forward to embracing the foibles of the upcoming cast members, knowing in advance the controversies, scandals, missteps and falls from grace that are surely to occur. It is as if famed astrologer Jean Dixon has taken over my mind as I see clearly into the future. Accordingly, I am pleased to offer my predictions for DWTS 2012.
Unfortunately for Herman Cain, he was not able to get past the interviewing process. First he bought free Godfather pizzas for only the female employees, then offered rent free apartments to several of them, groped a few more, tried to set up another in business and when confronted simply said, “Hey, we’re just friends.” Mr. Cain was escorted off premises screaming, “NINE, NINE, NINE.” He has since shuffled off into oblivion.
Rick Perry became the first contestant voted off DWTS. Although costumed in a lovely white ruffled and lace shirt, his chest was bloated and his movements rather rigid. It was if someone had stuck a steel rod up his derriere, if you know what I mean. Anyway, even though the blouse was nice, Mr. Perry forgot the third dance step and he is now back in Texas, doing whatever it is Texans do in Texas.
Ron Paul, I’m sad to say, walked off the show because he claimed too many regulations and organization involved for his liking. Mr. Paul is now president of the John Birch Society.
Rick Santorum wasn’t able to last very long on DWTS either. Being a man of strong moral values he refused any body contact with his female handler. Cough, cough. Rick repeatedly refused to wear leotards, proclaiming they showed too much of his “package,” if you catch my drift. Mr. Santorum is now at Olan Mills capturing the mechanical Eric Cantor canned smile.
Newt Gingrich was also voted off the acclaimed TV show for a variety of reasons. “Give Newt the boot,” was the roar of the audience due to a lackluster performance. Although, Newt felt he was far more talented than any other dancers, the fact he resembled a yard gnome in his costumes, simply gave too many people the creeps. One problem for the Newtster was the fact his people forgot to tell others to watch and vote for him. Epic fail on his part for sure. Upon exiting the show Mr. and Mrs. Gingrich took a private jet to New York City where he promptly bought his wife a $1 million sapphire and diamond necklace at Tiffany’s.
Michele Bachmann was able to last to the very end of DWTS, yet she still didn’t take home the coveted 1st place award. Big hair and a petite body with pearly white teeth, certainly made Michele the more attractive of contestants. However, claiming God was guiding her every step of the way, turned off to many voters on the show. Another handicap for her was fighting off the mental image of the night she caught her husband in the “set, hike” position with Bruce the hairstylist. Mrs. and Mr. Bachmann are now back at their own clinic, gleefully counseling each other on the evils of homosexuality. Oh those two silly savages.
Mitt Romney proudly proclaimed victory as the 2012 DWTS winner. It’s no secret; Mitt was the better looking of all the other dancers. Personally, I think it was the red flamingo suit, with feathered cap that cinched his win and the fact that no one on the show could change costumes quite as fast as Mitt. After winning, Mr. Romney brought his team into ABC and under a hostile takeover, bought all of their shares and fired half the staff. Now how is that for wealth…oh, oh…I mean job creation?
So there you have it. The egos will be as enormous as the lies, half truths, affairs, and mega wealth of the losers in the 2012 presidential election who opted for just one more chance of fame on DWS. Enjoy the show!
Written By: Dennis L. Page